Divine Wisdom for Daily Living by Joanne Colvin

“Honor widows who are truly widows. But if a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God. She who is truly a widow, left all alone, has set her hope on God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day, but she who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives. Command these things as well, so that they may be without reproach. But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. Let a widow be enrolled if she is not less than sixty years of age, having been the wife of one husband, and having a reputation for good works: if she has brought up children, has shown hospitality, has washed the feet of the saints, has cared for the afflicted, and has devoted herself to every good work… If any believing woman has relatives who are widows, let her care for them. Let the church not be burdened, so that it may care for those who are truly widows..”” (1 Timothy 5:3-10, 16)

Are you a widow? Do you have widows in your family? Do you have widows in your church? If the answer is “Yes” to any of these questions, then this passage concerns you (and me). In Africa, any woman over a certain age (unspecified) is considered a widow—even if she has never married. There, and in other majority nations, where Western ideas haven’t taken over, widows are given particular respect and concern. Verses 3 and 4 reflect the honor given to these older women, who should be cared for by the younger generations, as this pleases God. However, some widows who had no families were destitute, left alone, and became faithful prayers and worshipers of God, on whom they depended. We might think of Anna who prayed at the temple, and was there when Jesus was presented (Luke 2:36-38), at the age of eighty-four and being a widow most of her life. Or we might remember the poor widow who put two copper coins into the offering box (Luke 21:1-4).

Paul’s definition of a “true widow” is a woman who is over sixty since women younger than this were expected and encouraged to remarry. It seems that there were some false teachers in Ephesus who influenced some of the younger widows to remarry unbelievers, following their passions. (1) In that light, Paul’s statement that “she who is self-indulgent is dead even while she lives” makes more sense since she would be casting aside her faith by marrying a non-Christian. The apostles were direct with Christians in the early church about the necessity of only marrying other Christians; syncretism was rampant among the false teachers who confused believers.

Paul’s description of the ideal older woman in verses 9 and 10 serves as a model and appeal for the younger women in the congregation. She was only married once, raised children, was hospitable and humble, and her devotion to good works was known by everyone in the community. Ladies, I know that’s a lot to live up to! But, like Dorcas of Acts 9, these are the women whom the community loved and was called to support if they had no family to help them, according to James 1:27. Today many older women have the financial means to care for themselves, with their own pensions, their husband’s or the funds from insurance policies, not to mention Social Security and Medicare.

In verse 11-16, Paul goes on to instruct Timothy about younger women who should remarry, to keep them from falling into sin by trying to live legalistically but failing, may become idle gossips. We all know the feeling of trying to attain a particular habit or work ethic only to fail because our hearts aren’t in it. This was a danger then and is still a danger today. Many women are tempted to get married as they age only because they fear growing old alone. However, with the Bible’s emphasis on family and church support, this should not worry Christians exceedingly.

There are many ways to care for widows in our families or churches today including visiting with them, helping them with chores, taking them to church events, calling on the phone, or sending them notes. What have you done lately for a widow?

* The Reformation Study Bible, Reformation Trust Publishing (Ligonier Ministries), Sanford, Fl., 2015, commentary on 1 Timothy 5:4-16.

“Peter said to them, ‘Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself.’” (Acts 2:38-39)

Jesus disciples were meeting in Jerusalem when the Holy Spirit came upon them at Pentecost. They left the house, that had been filled with the sound of rushing wind to speak to the Jews who had come to celebrate the Passover the holy city. “Now there were dwelling in Jerusalem Jews, devout men from every nation under heaven.” ( Acts 2:5) Thousands of people had gathered at the temple and heard the disciples speaking in their own language (vs. 8-10). Peter then preached the first apostolic sermon in history that reviewed the history of and working of the gospel of Jesus Christ as a fulfilment of God’s promise of the Messianic salvation in the Old Testament. Peter, a Galilean fisherman amazed the people, who “were cut to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, ‘Brothers, what shall we do?’” (v. 37)

Our passage for today is Peter’s instruction to the people during the work of the Holy Spirit in Jerusalem at Pentecost. This historic event, resulting in over three thousand conversions was a unique work of God that should give us great pause for reflection (v. 41). However, we should not interpret the people’s response as ordinary doctrine, as if everyone who hears such a sermon will immediately come to faith in Jesus Christ. Acts is a unique historical account, describing the establishment of Christian church. As we seek a balance of correct interpretation and inspiration, we can receive great encouragement from Peter’s proclamation that the gospel is for the people within earshot, for those far away, and for their children.

There are two calls of the gospel. Here in Jerusalem Peter is giving an outward calling through the preaching of the Word, sharing the good news of salvation in Christ. However, there is another, inner call of the gospel, that is referenced by the phrase, “cut to the heart” for  those physically present who immediately received faith to believe in Christ through the work of the Holy Spirit in their hearts. When Peter says that this salvation is for the children, the Jewish people would immediately think of themselves and those in their families as the children of Abraham, and therefore the children of God. But Peter and we must remember that there is no possibility of inheriting salvation in Christ or of being born into this faith by physical birth, as those of royalty are born into their status.

Children must receive both the outer proclamation of the gospel of Christ and the inner calling of the Spirit to become the adopted children of God, regardless of age. I came to faith when I was thirty-three years old, having abandoned all religious constructs, including my Jewish heritage, as a means of redemption. The Lord provided the outward calling through radio and TV preaching, especially that of the evangelist of the twenty-first century, Billy Graham. But it was in the middle of a new age seminar (back when that was a separate thing) in the Washington, D.C. Hilton Hotel that God chose to call me by capturing my heart for Jesus Christ. So let me encourage you—God can and does save his grown children who are far off physically and spiritually.

As you pray for your own children, grandchildren and relatives, do you also remember to pray for the youth going off to college, and graduates who no longer have a school community for support, and feel out-of-pocket this fall? In a couple of weeks, kids will start college and high school, and some will be working instead of going to school, for the first time in their lives. Let’s remember to pray for all of our children, to hear the outer and inner call of the gospel.

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6)

“Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old. Buy truth, and do not sell it; buy wisdom, instruction, and understanding. The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him. Let your father and mother be glad; let her who bore you rejoice.” (Proverbs 23:22-25)

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” (1 Corinthians 13:11) In the midst of Paul’s exhortation to place Christian love above all other gifts, he admonishes us to act like the new creatures we are, mature in Christ, no longer naïve and childish. Children do not understand wisdom, but are very positively affected by it; they also do not understand abuse and neglect, and are likewise very negatively impacted. But when Christ calls us them faith, through regeneration and adoption into God’s family, they have instruction in wisdom and can begin to understand all things, regardless of the parenting they have received. If our earthly parents were unable or unwilling to teach us the wisdom of Christ, we have a heavenly Father who generously trains us in the way we should go.

As adults we must remember that there is nothing completely objective about our reactions, decisions, attitudes, or viewpoints about children and parenting. For each of us, our own childhood upbringing has a dynamic influence over our ideas of what makes good parenting, for good or bad—even if we have had training, family counseling, Bible studies, and read extensively with the latest childrearing resources. It is a known fact that when children experience child abuse or neglect, they adopt abusive and neglectful parenting styles with their own children. Therefore, it is vital for fathers and mothers to follow the imperative in Proverbs 22:6, bringing children up with the teaching of Scripture, under its authority, and with the influence of the gospel strongly taught. John Gill describes this training as, “praying with them and for them, by bringing them under the means of grace, the ministry of the word, by instructing them in the principles of religion, teaching them their duty to God and man,  and setting them good examples of a holy life and conversation; and this is to be done according to their capacity, and as they are able to understand and receive the instructions given them: as soon as he is able to speak or go, even from his infancy; or as children are fed by little bits, or a little at a time, as their mouths can receive it.” *

If you have raised your children and are now looking back with regret, you are not alone. Many parents wish they had done a better job nurturing their children spiritually. The good news of the gospel, though, vanquishes our remorse and disappointment. No matter what you did as a parent, no matter what you experienced as a child, and no matter what your parents experienced, that led them to their parenting style, God’s will and choices are sovereign. The love and power of the gospel of Jesus Christ overcomes and transforms even the most horrific childhood into a training ground for better parenting and conviction for biblical training.

Today is the day when we, our children, and our grandchildren need to “Buy truth, and…not sell it; buy wisdom, instruction, and understanding.” The free gift of the gospel is our Father’s  best parenting for us and our heirs. “Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat!” (Isaiah 55:1a)

* Gill, John, Commentary on Proverbs 22:6, https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/geb/proverbs-22.html

“Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain… Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” (Psalm 127:1, 3-5a)

The Bible reminds us repeatedly that God blesses Christians with everything we have in this life, for our good and his glory. (See Ecclesiastes 8:12; Ezra 8:22b; Romans 8:28.) When we delight in the love of Christ, we are under his care and benefit from his providence (Matthew 6:25-33). Those who reject this wisdom will build their homes and families in vain, with no lasting impact on anyone, like a wisp of smoke that disappears quickly. Or, God may choose to defeat our efforts entirely when we base our lives on opposing him, as he did with the Tower of Babel (Genesis 11:1-9). God may even deny some of us children, as his perfect providence for us. This psalm may have been written for Solomon by his father, David. Since it is considered a wisdom psalm, in the same style as Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, and the heading reads, “Of Solomon” in most translations, it is equally likely that Solomon penned Psalm 127. If so, reading that children are a blessing, we are struck by the fact that Solomon with all his wives, had only one son that we know of—Rehoboam. (1) God’s providence and provisions are always best, whether or not they are a consequence for our failings in faith. As a childless, unmarried Christian I have abundant thanksgiving for the Lord’s plan for my life.

Establishing our lives and families in God’s kingdom, for his glory, results in spiritual blessings and rewards. Families are meant to be appreciated as a “heritage” or legacy of our lives. Even those of us who are childless are born into a family that is meant to be a blessing to us, and us to them. All believers have an even more significant, eternal spiritual family of brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, and children in Christ, united by his Spirit. Matthew Henry has this insightful commentary about Psalm 127: “Children who are young, may be directed to God’s glory, and the service of their generation; but when they are gone into the world, they are arrows out of the hand, it is too late to direct them then. But these arrows in the hand too often prove arrows in the heart, a grief to godly parents. Yet, if trained according to God’s word, they generally prove the best defense in declining years, remembering their obligations to their parents, and taking care of them in old age.” (2)

Raising a family is no easy job, and requires a lot of prayer, work, attentiveness, and strength on the part of parents, and sometimes grandparents. Psalm 127 does not preclude all the activities of parenting but directs us to depend upon God for our priorities, planning, decisions, reactions, and teaching. It is not “Let go and let God,” which never appears in the Bible. But unfortunately, many Christians disassociate family activities with teaching from God’s Word or family prayer and devotions. Yet how else will children learn that this is a vital part of growing up in a Christian home? The Lord directs us, but we are the ones who must train our young people in godly habits, attitudes, and biblical truths so that they learn to rely on God, whom they know and love, for their direction, building, and planning.

“All earthly comforts are uncertain, but the Lord will assuredly comfort and bless those who serve him; and those who seek the conversion of sinners, will find that their spiritual children are their joy and crown in the day of Jesus Christ.” Do you know how blessed you are by your biological and spiritual “children?” (3) Will you diligently direct them to the Lord?

(1)    Henry, Matthew, Concise Commentary on Psalm 127, https://www.biblestudytools.com/commentaries/matthew-henry-concise/psalms/127.html

(2)    Ibid.

(3)    Ibid.

“There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil. There were born to him seven sons and three daughters…His sons used to go and hold a feast in the house of each one on his day, and they would send and invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. And when the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and consecrate them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, ‘It may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts.’ Thus Job did continually.” (Job 1:2-5)

“By steadfast love and faithfulness iniquity is atoned for, and by the fear of the Lord one turns away from evil.” (Proverbs 16:6)

It is generally thought that Job lived in the days of the Patriarchs, perhaps during the lifetime of Isaac, or Jacob, or his sons, before God gave the moral or ceremonial laws to His people coming out of Egypt. However, we know that even Cain and Abel made first-fruit offerings to the Lord. The land of Uz may have been a wicked place inhabited by ungodly residents and Job’s family may have been a rare God-fearing extended household.* Job was undoubtedly blessed by God with ten children, large numbers of herds, a great staff of servants to care for his animals and, most probably, his crops, and business dealings (v. 3). Job’s wealth, position, and reputation did not detract from his “friendship with God.”

Job is an excellent example of a father who cared deeply about his children. Whether they were feasting in honor of God or some other pagan tradition, Job reminded his sons and daughters of the need for consecration, to be set apart for God’s glory. He made it his practice to get up early enough to offer sin offerings for them before they began to feast. Job did so “continually” in case his sons or daughters failed to glorify God in their feasting, in particular. It is difficult to know if his children were feasting to idols, actually speaking against God, or doing what we all do so often—neglecting to acknowledge the Lord’s grace as the reason for their feasting. Any neglect of God in training up our children to know and acknowledge him is equally sinful to worshipping idols. Doing either robs God of his glory and honor as the Creator and Sustainer of life, sovereignly working his providence, and providing for our needs, and possibly our prosperity.

Although Job’s sons and daughters were grown, with households of their own, he continued to pray for his children, and intercede for them in confession and offerings. We also have a role to play in the lives of our grown children and grandchildren, nieces and nephews, and the spouses of our children and grandchildren. Having established the family in the love of Christ, knowing that we all continue to struggle with sin, the elders of the household are in the best position to intercede for younger members of the family, regardless of their faith or unbelief. Since there is no mention of Job’s offerings being secret, we expect that he would have mentioned them to his children at the feast, and even spoke of God’s goodness to them, continuing the training that they had probably received when still youngsters in Job’s house.

Do you intercede and talk with family members about God’s ways, his blessings, and his presence? Do you do it frequently, even “continually?” Or, will you resolve to pray about your reluctance and ask God for opportunities to follow Job’s example?

* Background material and commentary about Job’s devotion to the Lord and his children is taken from John Gill’s commentary on Job 1:1-5, https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/geb/job-1.html

“Whoever troubles his own household will inherit the wind, and the fool will be servant to the wise of heart. The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and whoever captures souls is wise… Whoever is greedy for unjust gain troubles his own household.” (Proverbs 11:29-30; 15:27a)

The Bible makes it clear that God creates families, calls families to worship Him, and expects us to honor Him in our families, as family units. God’s covenant terms apply to “His people” (Isaiah 1:3b; 40:1; 1 Peter 4:17), “the family” (Amos 3:1-2); and the “household of God” (1 Timothy 3:15). We who are in God’s family are called His children (John 1:12; 1 John 3:1). Biblical genealogies are numerous, offering further evidence of God’s concern for family history, the lineage of the Jews, and the continuity of His family from Adam to Jesus Christ. Clearly, God cares about families, just as He cares about marriages.

Today when we think of families a whole host of issues come to mind: the challenge of raising children, the effect of divorce on families, blended family concerns, adoption, and alternative family structures, to name a few. In the face of these challenges, we have encouragement, guidance, correction, and inspiration for raising children wisely and maintaining a healthy family environment in Scripture. This is hard work, both spiritually and emotionally; it takes much prayer and dedication to establish and keep a godly family in today’s world, just as it did in biblical times. But the rewards are enormous.

I have arranged our three verses today in the style of Proverbs, with warnings as the bookends that sandwich a beneficial truth. We are warned about troubling our families, which in this case includes anyone living with the family, such as nannies or friends today. One way that parents trouble their families is by making the accumulation of money or reputation a priority (Proverbs 15:27a). Avariciousness and covetousness will rob a spouse, children, and others of the time and love needed for healthy and encouraging family relationships. Selfish desires and tempers will not only leave a family wanting for love but stir up the same in others. Eventually, these family members will seek familial love from other people. Worldly values and priorities will be transmitted to the children, rather than the godly wisdom that will give them an inheritance they can rely upon in this life and the next.

Many Christians have stronger ties with our believing friends, co-workers, and church members than family members because of our unity in Christ. Jesus declared that his disciples had the status of his brothers, sisters, and mothers (Matthew 7:46-50)  However, young children are to receive Christ’s love from Christian parents, and as we grow older, that love should increase, not decrease or be neglected. Rather than trouble our families we are to be a refuge of righteousness for their souls, as a tree is a sanctuary and shelter for birds (15:27a). Birds find rest and make their homes in trees, for protection and security. The tree doesn’t actually “capture” the birds, but the picture is of irresistible delight in the tree’s existence for shelter. Our love for God and faith in Christ is to be a place of refuge for our families, bringing them to the feet of Jesus at the cross, so that their souls are arrested by his mercy and grace. Believers are to be “fishers” of men (Matthew 4:19).

Have you ever seen a family where the children are wiser than their parents—when the “fool” is the parent who becomes the servant of the child (11:29)? This is what happens when we neglect to teach our children the wisdom of God. Instead, we ought to be able to say, “I have taught you the way of wisdom; I have led you in the paths of uprightness.” (Proverbs 4:11)

“Who can say, ‘I have made my heart pure; I am clean from my sin?’” (Proverbs 20:9)

“Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.” (Ecclesiastes 7:20)

Since yesterday’s post referred to the blamelessness that results from repentance, and today we are worshipping the Lord, I thought it would be useful to stop and meditate on confession and forgiveness. Like many other texts in the Old and New Testaments, Proverbs addresses the difficulty of being pure when we have sin in our hearts (and minds and lives).

A reference for Proverbs 20:9 cites 1 Kings 8, when Solomon prayed at the dedication of the first temple in Jerusalem. His prayer also served as instruction for the Israelites, as do many prayers of our church leaders today. After declaring God’s faithfulness to Israel, his holiness, sovereignty, and accessibility, Solomon asked the Lord to listen to his peoples’ pleas at the temple, forgiving them for their sins (1 Kings 8:30). Solomon asked God to forgive those who were defeated in battle because of their sins but then turn to the Lord for forgiveness (vs. 33-34). He asked God to forgive those whose sins resulted in God withholding rain from the land, and “teach them the good way in which they should walk, and grant rain upon your land, which you have given to your people as an inheritance” (vs. 35-36). Solomon addressed the possibility that famine, pestilence, military defeat, sickness, or plagues might be the result of sin and asked God to heal the hearts of his people. If he knows, “the affliction of his own heart and stretching out his hands toward this house, then hear in heaven your dwelling place and forgive and act and render to each whose heart you know…” (vs. 38-39). Our sins have consequences, though we hardly know of such extensive results as these, we see the consequences in our relationships.

Finally, Solomon prayed, “If they sin against you—for there is no one who does not sin—and you are angry with them and give them to an enemy, so that they are carried away captive to the land of the enemy, far off or near, yet if they turn their heart in the land to which they have been carried captive, and repent and plead with you in the land of their captors, saying, We have sinned and have acted perversely and wickedly,’ if they repent with all their heart and with all their soul in the land of their enemies…then hear in heaven your dwelling place their prayer and their plea, and maintain their cause and forgive your people who have sinned against you, and all their transgressions that they have committed against you…(for they are your people, and your heritage, which you brought out of Egypt, from the midst of the iron furnace).” (vs. 46-51)

I usually don’t use so much space quoting Scripture, but today I find it especially comforting that at any time, for any reason we can turn to Christ for the forgiveness we need. We are not saved by our confessions, and we are not purified by them. Only Jesus Christ is qualified and has the power and authority to grant forgiveness for sin. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.” (Romans 3:23-25a)

Today, as you worship, will you contritely seek forgiveness for neglecting family members in need, for anger,  jealousy, competitiveness, or selfishness toward them? We have a Savior who delights in our confession and repentance, helping us to change not only our behavior but our attitudes, desires, and fears. May this be a Sabbath of shalom.

“Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.” (James 3:13-18)

The wisdom books of Proverbs and James put feet and hands to faith for the sake of wise living in the covenant community of Christ. In her book, “Closer than a Sister,” Christina Fox goes into great depths, using Scriptural exposition, to illustrate the fact that we are created to live in a community—corporately, not independently. (1) At the beginning of the world, Adam was alone, and God declared that this wasn’t good and created Eve for Adam (Genesis 2:18). We don’t know how long it took for that community to break down, but God assures us that it didn’t take long, since it is recorded immediately after the creation account, in Genesis 3. Jealousy for God’s knowledge and selfish ambition to be like God were the sins that Satan used successfully to have Eve doubt God’s word and intentions. Then Eve shared with Adam, as she was created to do, and the couple was doomed to be ruled by sin, as we all are, outside of Jesus Christ. Satan, ambitious to drive a wedge between God and his people did so then and continues to do so today, which is why we are instructed to “give no opportunity to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:27) Only when we trust Christ can we overcome our sin natures.

James sets up a direct contrast between godly understanding with good conduct and meek wisdom and bitter jealousy and selfish ambition. We are wise when we utilize the fruits of the Spirit that grow out of our salvation. This fruit is listed in Galatians 5:22-23, and also here in James as the wisdom of God with purity, peace, gentleness, reasonableness, mercy, impartiality, and sincerity. These seven attributes of divine wisdom are especially important in our primary relationships. But if we are put off by the idea that we can be spiritually pure, given our inclinations to sin, let’s not give up, since it’s meaning here is the blamelessness that results from repentance. It is essential that we live in the shadow of the cross, seeking God’s forgiveness for our sinful attitudes, desires, thoughts, judgments, biases, opinions, stubbornness, and unteachable spirits. Repentant stances lead to peacefulness with God, others, and ourselves. Shalom, God’s peace is not merely the absence of conflict. “The universal peace, harmony, and wholeness of God’s original design of humankind and the whole earth are conveyed by the Hebrew word shalom in the Bible (e.g. Isa. 32:14–20). Cornelius Plantinga describes shalom as “the webbing together of God, humans, and all creation in justice, fulfillment, and delight . . . a rich state of affairs in which natural needs are satisfied and natural gifts fruitfully employed, a state of affairs that inspires joyful wonder as its Creator and Savior opens doors and welcomes the creatures in whom he delights.”

The Jews who read James’s letter would have shalom in mind when they thought of Jesus. It is good for us to embrace the fullness of God’s peace and harmony in our relationships. As James goes on to say, this wise, repentant, gentle, merciful, sincere peacefulness leads to good works and a harvest of righteousness while bitter jealousy and selfish ambition is not from God but is demonic and leads “to disorder and every vile practice” (v. 16)

Do you want harmony in your marriage and other relationships? Don’t forget that the unity you desire begins with your vulnerability and meekness in Christ. This is wisdom, so how will you apply shalom today?

(1)  Fox, Christian, Closer than a Sister, Christian Focus Publications, Scotland, 2017.

• Wilkerson, Mike. Redemption: Freed by Jesus from the Idols We Worship and the Wounds We Carry (p. 29). Crossway. Kindle Edition.[Includes an excerpt from Plantinga, Cornelius, Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be: A Breviary of Sin, Eerdmans, 1995.

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing… A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly… A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” (Proverbs 12:18; 15:1-2, 4)

As we come to the end of a cursory study of marriage and move on to parenting, it is good to focus on the power of words again. Solomon uses a word picture to emphasize the destructiveness of rash words (Proverbs 12:18). Quick, emotionally laden words are like the blade of a sword thrust into someone. Whether or not the speaker means to harm, his thoughtless words will have the effect of physical injury, “cutting, wounding, dividing, [and] killing—[they] grieve the innocent, wound their characters, destroy their good name and credit, and separate chief friends.” * We are to compare this to the “tongue of the wise” that brings healing  “by clearing and defending the character of those who are falsely accused and wrongfully charged; by making up differences, and reconciling persons at variance through the detracting and lying insinuations of others; and by speaking comfortable, cheerful, and refreshing words to the injured and abused; especially the tongue of a wise minister of the Gospel is health, or healing, to wounded souls, to whom he ministers the Gospel of the grace of God, which directs to Christ for healing, peace, pardon, righteousness, and eternal life.” * Words have tremendous power in a marriage relationship, to either heal or injure.

We shouldn’t be surprised when problems develop after an outburst of emotion with insensitive words. However, we should always be prepared to offer words of healing, in the strength of Christ, the wisdom of God. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that gentle, soft answers deflect anger while harsh words stir it up. A particularly good example of this is found in Abigail’s words to David when she interceded between him in his rage and her harsh husband, Nabal (1 Samuel 25). Rather than stir up the anger already reaching a pitch in David, she fell at his feet and redirected his anger to herself. But of course, David had no reason to be angry with her–she had brought the food he requested for his men (which Nabal denied) and spoke very wisely to David. In this case, the Lord used a woman who had (apparently) had lots of practice dealing with a hostile husband. But a manservant might have done likewise; I am personally moved by men who are humble, vulnerable, and willing to speak grace into an aggressive encounter.

Not only do the words of the wise provide healing (as they did for David), but they commend knowledge (Proverbs 15:1). Commend can mean praise, complement, or recommend. Where the ESV says “the tongue of the wise commends knowledge,” other Bible translations say “make knowledge acceptable” (NASB), “uses knowledge rightly,” (NKJ), and “adorns knowledge” (NIV). Wise words not only use knowledge appropriately but extend it, exalting biblical wisdom.

Will your wise, thoughtful, gentle words heal, drip knowledge, and be like a tree of life for your spouse and others today? Will you speak grace into a conflicted issue rather than stir up anger?

* Gill, John, Commentary on Proverbs 12:18a. https://www.studylight.org/commentaries/geb/proverbs-12.html

“For jealousy makes a man furious, and he will not spare when he takes revenge…Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?” (Proverbs 6:34; 27:4)

“Then I saw that all toil and all skill in work come from a man’s envy of his neighbor. This also is vanity and a striving after wind.” (Ecclesiastes 4:4)

“I’m so jealous!” How often we hear this exclamation today with no regard for its condemning expose of the speaker’s heart. Jealousy and competition in a marriage may very well lead to revengeful anger (Proverbs 6:34). Proverbs 27:4 declares that jealousy is even worse than intense anger, perhaps because it is used to be more concealed than it is today. Ecclesiastes includes covetousness and envy in the collection of all worldly, temporal things that are like a puff of smoke, here for a second and gone forever.

In her book, The Envy of Eve, Melissa Kruger describes the pattern of coveting that is illustrated quite clearly in David’s sin with Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11).* First, we look at that which we desire, as David gazed at Bathsheba (v. 2). Coveting kicks in when we continue to dwell on it, and then we take hold of that which we have seen and strongly desire, as David took Bathsheba to his bed (v. 4). Finally, we hide what we have done, knowing that it is wrong. David went to great lengths to get Uriah to sleep with his wife, Bathsheba so that her pregnancy would appear to be a result of their marital intimacy. However, when that failed (vs. 8-13), David hid his sin by having Uriah killed in battle (vs. 14-15).  This was exactly what Adam and Eve did in the Garden of Eden, and what we do: see, covet, take, and hide.

There is another lesson we can learn from David’s sin with Bathsheba, that is instructive for spouses. David was in the wrong place at the wrong time, doing the wrong thing—all of which gave him the opportunity to see Bathsheba bathing on the rooftop. He should have been in battle, leading the army, in his role as Israel’s military King. Husbands and wives who travel for their work and military troops face the challenge of spending their free time in the right environment with the right people doing what is beneficial. Those who work are at home for extended periods may get bored and turn to the internet for pornography, which is very treacherous for the individual and the marriage. Any thing or person whose intimacy is desired more than we want God and our own spouses is a threat to the marriage. Jealousy for that thing or person robs our spouses of the love that we owe them.

Another danger to marriages is competition, one of consequences of original sin: “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16) Our world is competitive—no one will argue about that. TV game shows and reality shows are all about competition, and we love them. Men and women compete full-time in the corporate world and politics. Sports is a multi-billion-dollar industry based on competition. But competition between spouses is exactly the opposite of the cooperation that God intended for man and women in marriage. It is vital that we channel our competitive drives for their best expression. Some members of my church get together once a week to play trivia at a local restaurant, which is a great way to enjoy friendly competition.

Do you know if you envy other marriages or spouses? Are you willing to consider that competition or envy may be hindering your relationship with your spouse? Wisdom compels us to examine ourselves at all times, not just when we experience conflicts.

* Kruger, Melissa, The Envy of Eve, Chapter 6, Christian Focus Publications, 2012